Director: Paul Weitz
Starring: Jason Biggs,Tara Reid,Shannon Elizabeth,Alyson Hannigan,Chris Klein,Mena Suvari,Eugene Levy,Seann William Scott
Every time I go to McDonald's, I
look at the menu. Sometimes, they offer 2 apple pies for one dollar. As tempting
as this deal may sound, I cannot take up on the offer as I have a visual image
of Jason Biggs de-virginizing my favorite fast food dessert. But enough about my
fantasies. American Pie was one of the funniest movies I have seen in a
long time. It was somewhat overshadowed by the marketing of Austin Powers and
that indy flick by George Lucas, but American Pie is simply a gem. This
movie was to the silver screen what the Tom Green Show is to the small screen.
American Pie starts off with Jim
(Biggs) getting ready to put a sock over his little friend as he is watching
some scrambled porn. And while he is about to have an intimate moment with
himself, his parents walk in. Of course, little Jimmy is giving the full salute
while the big Jimmy is beet red. By the way, I have a thought. Is it more
embarrassing to have your parents walk in while you are masturbating, or you
walk in while your parents are having sex? Think about that for a while…or
don't (but read on). Cue the next scene. Four guys vow to lose their virginity
by the senior prom. One of the guys has gone as far as hitting a triple with his
hot girlfriend, thus making him the rookie of the year among this bunch. He
tells Jim that Snatch
is as warm as apple pie. That's where the title comes into play. Either that or
they forgot to add Don Maclean's song during editing.
Kevin (Nicholas) has the Nick
Lachey syndrome with Vicky (Reid). Jim shoots his gun earlier than Aaron Burr in
a duel. Oz (Klein) is just a muscle-bound dweeb. And Finch is such a tight ass
that DeBeer shoves coal up his butt to meet monthly quotas. And Stifler's mom is
a MILF (Mother I'd Like to F**k).
Okay, why do I even bother with
the plot? Eugene Levy, as Jim's uptight father, is hilarious, especially when he
buys porno mags (Playboy, Hustler, and Shave) for his boy. And Shannon Elizabeth
is absolutely hot as a foreign exchange student. Okay, her role is superfluous
because she is just topless and plays with herself. And, one time at band camp,
someone decided to use a woodwind instrument to pleasure a feline.
Since this movie lacks any plot,
you just have to remember a few things. First, Mena Suvari has a big and oddly
shaped forehead. She looks like that little chick who is the foil of Foghorn
Leghorn. Second, you will say, "I cannot believe that he/she/they just
drank/screwed/ate that!" Third, this is the crudest movie that you can
watch with a date. After all, you can plant enough ideas. And if you strike out
after watching this hilarious movie, you can retire to watch some scrambled porn
while humping a warm apple pie.
