Director: Irvin Kershner
Starring: Harrison Ford,Mark Hamill,Carrie Fisher,Anthony Daniels,Billy Dee Williams
(visualize the Star Wars intro… If you don't know
what I am talking about, you shouldn't bother reading this review and watch Star
Wars first.)
A long time ago in a galaxy
far, far away…
Episode V
Empire Strikes Back Review
As Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess
Leia celebrate their victory over Darth Vader and the Empire, they do not
realize the hidden danger and turmoil broiling. Since this trio overcame one
Empire, they were not aware of the rising and evil Lucas Empire.
The struggling and crumbling empire, Fox
Corporation, had not been able to defeat other rival factions. And Emperor
Rupert Murdoch had not gained full control of the Empire, or controlled the Dark
Side of the Force. A young promising Jedi, George Lucas, agreed to help bring
Fox to prominence in exchange for all merchandising and story rights. In
exchange, Darth Lucas developed his own weaponry in the form of LucasArts,
Industrial Light and Magic, and THX to squelch any possible uprising by
promising Jedis Steven Spielberg and Gene Roddenberry. Eventually, young
Spielberg (later the evil Darth Steven) would be seduced to the Dark Side, and
join Darth Lucas on the Indy missions before creating his own Dreamworks Empire.
Darth Lucas quickly developed a plot to
infiltrate and brainwash all boys by continuing his saga. To grow his empire, he
recruited his minions. Three years since their last mission, Project Star Wars,
Colonel Mark Hamill became hideously scarred and required plastic surgery. Darth
Lucas simply overcame this obstacle by aging him a good twenty years, while his
other soldiers only aged three. Realizing that he had no financial and political
gains from the Cinnamon Buns coalition, Darth Lucas also altered Capt. Carrie
Fisher's hairstyle. His main disciple, Darth Ford, gave in to the dark side and
would be called into duty for any mission that Darth Lucas required. To capture
a small but rising NAACP coalition, Darth Lucas also recruited Maj. Billy Dee
Williams. Maj. Williams's weapon of choice was and always will be a Colt 45.
As his power and influence grew over the
Fox Empire, Darth Lucas was able to break from Emperor Murdoch. To parallel and
celebrate his rise, his Empire Strikes Back showed Darth Vader's prominence. To
mock the Empire's and its Hollywood Coalition's taboo on homosexuality, Darth
Lucas decided to make two AC/DC-adaptable robots, C-3P0 and R2D2, into a
prominent gay couple. He also introduces new characters, starships, and outfits
to ensure future financial dividends from merchandising. To ensure a third
installment, called Return of the Jedi, Darth Lucas created setbacks for the
protagonists. To ensure three more prequels, he revealed the paternity of the
main character.
The clueless plebes were oblivious to the
alarming rise of Darth Lucas. They did not realize that all future
"missions" by the Hollywood Coalition would eventually cave to the
Darth Lucas's 4 tenets of the Dark Side. First, all "missions" must
include at least six tie-ins to products, including toys, food, electronic
games, and music. Second, successful "missions" must be followed by
subsequent "missions." Third, to discipline the plebes, subsequent
"missions" must be financially successful despite their lack of plot
or character development. Fourth, all missions must be directed or produced by
Darth Lucas. Darth Lucas's power was so great that his name alone could make a
mission successful. As was indicated by this second installment, the Empire
Strikes Back…
