Review of
Conan the Barbarian
Reviewed by Pat Sheridan
Director: John Milius
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger,James Earl Jones,Gerry Lopez,Sandahl Bergman
In my book, Conan the Barbarian, is Ahh-nold “Mr. Universe”
Schwarzenegger’s best movie. (Terminator 2 takes second by a head and
that lovable Kindergarten Cop takes the show spot. Really, who can forget
the line “it’s not a too-mah”?) It’s got all the making of a great, nay-
epic, movie: love, war, action, suspense, a setting sometime in the past and
James Earl Jones as the bad guy. The Ahh-nold vs. Jones match-up takes a
backseat in best movie match-ups to only the all-time great match-ups of Rocky
vs. Creed, Rocky vs. Mr. T and Rocky vs. the Russian. You know you want to root
for Jones because he is “The Voice”, but as with Rocky, you end up
rooting for the underdog.
The motivation for this match-up is a time-tested and predictable one. Early
in the movie, Thulsa Doom (Jones) slaughters Conan’s (Ahh-nold) parents. Of
course, Conan must go through many trials and tribulations before beginning his
quest for revenge. First, he becomes a slave and has to walk around some wheel
for a long time, for no apparent reason. Then, he’s forced to fight gladiator
style for the entertainment of all. Finally, he’s set free so he can solve “the
riddle of steel”, which apparently makes him an even better ass-kicker. So,
off he goes and along the way he teams up with a crazy guy and a blonde chick
who happens to be a thief. At some point, he is also contracted to save some
King’s daughter from the cult that happens to be run by Doom. From there on
out, there’s a lot of fighting, dying, and random acts of carnage. There is
also a cool scene where Conan prays to the god Crum before a big battle. It’s
funny because Ahh-nold has about 10 lines in the whole movie (not counting
grunts) and he uses 7 or so of them in this one scene. (Coincidentally, this is
the same prayer I say before I go out and fight a legion of minions led by a guy
who can turn into a snake.) One final cool scene, and the sole reason why you
should watch this movie, is when Conan kills a vulture by biting it in the neck.
I can sum the whole scene up in two words - my hero.
In all, this is a really campy movie that you either love intensely or hate
mildly. There’s really not enough content in this movie to hate it with a
passion. It makes me want to strip down to my loincloth, grab the nearest
sword-like object and flex in front of the mirror. (This happens to scare my
roommate for some reason. Maybe it’s my pasty-white complexion or the lack of
muscle anywhere on my body.) I think it’s one of the greatest films ever made,
to which most of my friends just roll their eyes and say something about being
dropped as a baby.
