Director: Chris Columbus
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe,Richard Harris,Alan Rickman,Emma Watson
After all these weeks…Damn. I can’t take it anymore. Yes. I went to see it. Happy? I did not want to write the review for several weeks because I wanted to pretend that I did not go see it. Fine. I went to see it on Opening Weekend. First show in fact. But I bet you did, too. Sheesh…
Jeyun, our Director of Content (sorta, she doesn’t really do anything anymore except read my long emails), loves Harry Potter. I remember she brought Harry Potter books to our office and would read them during break. Yeah…and you were wondering why our business failed. And for the last few months, she was Harry Potter this and Harry Potter that.
So on opening weekend, I went to see it. How could you not? They were showing it on every screen. Except for the screens that were showing Monsters, Inc. (very good movie, by the way). For the two of you who have not seen this movie, I’ll give you the summary.
I did not read the book. But I was told that Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was very faithful to the book, to a fault. Well, guess what? The movie sucked. Big time. Perhaps I look at movies in a different light since I now like to pretend that I am a screenwriter (yes, that’s what I do most of the time now. I work on screenplays. And you can bet I will give glowing reviews of my movies).
The movie, like the book, is about Harry Potter who has this odd Shazam birthmark on his forehead. He enrolls in the Warthog School of something or other. They didn’t say whether he got financial aid or scholarships. Along the way, he meets a redhead dude (I forget his name) and this brunette chick who, I feel guilty for what I’m about to say, will be damn hot in about six years.
The first hour is a bunch of moving staircases, ghosts walking through the cafeteria, and a three headed dog drooling. The second hour is Harry Potter riding the broom. And the third hour is the Sorcerer’s Stone. Somehow, Alan Rickman is involved in the movie as your bad guy. This movie lacks any semblance of plot. Lots of magic and special effects but the real story takes place during the last thirty minutes.
This movie made $94.5 million during the opening weekend. And then made another $60 million the next weekend. As I am writing this, I believe that this movie will reach $3 billion. And J.K. Rowlings, a former welfare mom, is gonna drown from the gold bullions that get dumped into her house by the Brinks armor trucks. Yeah, that poor woman. We should all die that way. The success of this movie will surely guarantee sequels. Let’s hope that the sequels will have the young brunette in a skimpier outfit (uh…in eight years when she’s eighteen. Yeah, that’s what I mean), more plot, and less Harry. Believe me, Jeyun will do the countdown to the next movie. She’s doing that already.
