Jerry Seinfeld
What does it take to get a cab driver’s license? I think all you need is a face. And a name with eight consonants in a row. Have you ever checked out some of the names on the license? The O with the line through it? What planet is that from? You need a chart of the elements just to report the guy, “Yes, Officer, his name was Amal—and then the symbol for boron.”
The basic conflict between men and women sexually is that men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family; there are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
Has any turtle ever outlived a shaker of turtle food?
My parents moved to Florida—they didn’t want to, but they’re in their sixties, and that’s the law.
Frankly, I don’t believe people think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee—and then you go home.
I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.
Candy is the only reason you want to live when you’re a kid. And you have your favorite candies that you love. Kids actually believe they can distinguish between twenty-one different versions of pure sugar. When I was a kid, I could taste the difference between different colors M&M’s. I thought the red was heartier, more of a main course M&M. And the light brown was a mellower, kind of after-dinner M.
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
Death is the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van, the pallbearers are your close friends, the only ones you could really ask to help you with a big move like that. And the casket is that great, perfect box you’ve been looking for your whole life. The only problem is once you find it, you’re in it.
