Aries (March 21-April 19)
Avoid drinking warm soda today. While this is especially true for today, you should make this
a daily maxim.
Taurus(April 20-May 20)
You may be tempted to buy the sale items at the Gap, Banana Republic,
Express, etc. Don’t.
There will be bigger sales in the future.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You might be meeting the man or woman of your
dreams. Our stars tell us that you
will have something sticking between your teeth forcing this dreamlover to flee.
Don’t pick your teeth. Wear
sneakers so that you can hunt down this runaway.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There is a good chance that you might run into an
old friend. Too bad, this encounter
happens while you are driving and she is jaywalking. There is an equal chance tomorrow. Stay indoors.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will be asked how one can keep a donkey in
suspense. We know the answer but we
will tell you tomorrow.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
There may be an occasion where you may have to
tell a joke. You wonder if you can
tell your favorite joke but it offends gays, blacks, whites, Asians, women and
little furry animals named Steve. Don’t
tell that joke and just come off being not funny.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Make sure that you wear some tight-fitting
clothes today. You are up for a
promotion or might run into an old flame.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Today you might be eating at a fast-food
restaurant. The stars tell us that
today is a good day to supersize your meal.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Today is a good day for you to listen to some
cheesy eighties music. While you
are at it, you should grow a mullet.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
Your old flame will call you to let you know that
there is a rash and that you should see a doctor.
Aquarius (Jan. 19-Feb. 18)
If today is a sunny day, someone in Africa will die of old age.
To prevent yourself from becoming attached to this person, don’t go to
Africa.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Avoid slow elevators today.
When possible, take the stairs. If
you have to go on an elevator, you will ride with people with rancid B.O.
