More musings
Hey folks - in case you’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the past
week (because, you know, it’s just sooo not like me to skip a week or two, or
five, in this column now!), I just got back from my spring break trip to Spain
(which was lovely, truly refreshing, thank you for asking). Anyway, I was
flipping through the airline magazine on the way back and noticed the I-94
Non-Immigrant Visa Waiver form that visa-less non-immigrant people have to fill
out when flying to the U.S. Here is a sampling of the questions they ask you to
answer on the back:
Do any of the following apply to you? (Answer yes or no)
A. Do you have a communicable disease; physical or mental disorder; or are
you a drug abuser or addict?
B. Have you been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime involving
moral turpitude…or are you seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral
activities?
C. Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in
terrorist activities; or in genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you
involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its
allies?
IMPORTANT: If you answered “Yes” to any of the above, please
contact the American Embassy BEFORE you travel to the U.S. since you may
be refused admission into the United States.
Okay, first of all, by the time you get this form, you have already begun
your descent into JFK airport, or whichever U.S. airport you are arriving in, in
which case, it’s too late to tell the American Embassy in your country that
you are a mentally-insane, coke-addicted, mass murderer connected to Hitler.
Which, by the way, assumes that if indeed you are a physically-deformed,
child-molesting, anarchic serial rapist with a propensity towards cannibalism,
you are answering these questions honestly to begin with. I must say, I found
this entire form highly amusing, and therefore thought I should share this with
you all, in case you or anyone you know is, or will be, a visa-less
non-immigrant traveling to the U.S. in the near future.
In case you’re thinking that this was the only interesting thing I
discovered on my trip, you are quite wrong, my friend. I also learned that the
drinking age in Spain is 16 (at least, according to the friend who went with
me). I was surprised to learn this, as I have always assumed that alcohol
consumption in Europe legally starts shortly after birth and that most Europeans
have never been weaned off since. As a matter of fact, I vaguely suspect that
European mothers have alcohol instead of milk ducts in their breasts. Smoking,
of course, is the other major pastime, which, it seems, is also encouraged from
a very young age, as I frequently saw parents of young children and babies in
cafes blow smoke rings in their faces, thereby increasing their little one’s
lung capacity and tolerance so that when they eventually take up a cigarette on
their own, they will not cough and choke the first time they take a puff. At
least, I assume this is what the reasoning is behind this.
As you can see, going to Spain was indeed a very educational trip for me.
Seeing as the vast majority of Spaniards drink and smoke profusely, they could
technically be classified as drug addicts, which would mean that most would have
to answer “yes” to question A. So for that enormous group of
nicotine-addicted, visa-less non-immigrants attempting to enter the U.S. who
read this column, I’m sure I’ve provided some much-needed enlightenment for
you all.
