Doing It All for the Nookie
Dear Stalin:
I am currently a junior in college. Recently, I broke up with my girlfriend
of three years. Now that we are broken up—that dirty, skanky slut—I was
wondering how I could score some girls. Plus, I feel that I missed out on three
good years of hooking up. How many girls should I have bagged by my third year
in college?
Lookin' for Some Nooky
Dear Lookin' for Some Nooky,
I am finally glad that I get to answer a real question. I was complaining
before that I was not getting questions that were fitting the greatest dictator
known to mankind. So it is a welcome relief that I do not have to resort to
answering questions posed in Cosmopolitan.
Well, I think that scoring with girls in college is like going fishing at
your local fish market. There's more than plenty. The real question is: how
desperate are you? If you are like me and are getting plenty of play, you want
to just chill out for the fine chicas with big butts. Yeah, big butts!!! But if
your bachelor lifestyle means intimate nights with Rosie, you probably just want
to pick up whatever you can get. So what if they're booty? That's why God
invented alcohol.
How many girls should you have bagged by your third year? That's a good
question. If they are really ugly, you want to bag as many of them as you can so
you don't have to look at their faces. But maybe you mean "bagged" as
in "scored." Khrushchev tells me that's the "hip" term among
you "Gen-Y" people. I think that you should "bag" at least
three per semester. Well, you have to adjust accordingly. If you go to a
private, 4-year institution, double this number. If you go to a community
college, divide by half. And if you happen to sneak into a sorority, God bless
you.
Stalin
