When you think of a good wingman,
you perhaps get an image of Top Gun with Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise flying
off into combat in hostile territory. Most of us do not get the chance to be a
wingman for the US Air Force, and that’s a good thing. However, many of us
have had ample practice to being the wingman in daily social situations. After
years of training, I realized that I am not cut out to be a good wingman. In
fact, I am the worst.
Of course, a wingman is the pilot
who typically covers the back of the leader of the pack. It is the wingman’s
job to make sure that the mission is successfully executed by the leader by
assisting him in whatever manner possible. In reality, men have to learn to be
good wingmen for their buddies, especially when we enter the hostile territories
of dating and mating. Historically, there have been great wingmen. Chewbacca
comes to mind. He always distracted C-3P0 so that Han Solo could get some
one-on-one time with Princess Leia. Also, Chewbacca made sure that Han Solo came
off as the “witty” one among the two. Plus, he rarely trimmed his facial
hair so that his buddy could look better in comparison. Now, not everybody can
be Chewbacca.
I know the basics of wingman
training. When you go out on a night out, it is the wingman’s duty to talk to
the ugly one, or “take a hit for the team,” so that your buddy can score.
This can happen at a bar, supermarket, Starbucks, or a night club. First, you
identify the target and go in for the kill. Usually, women are surrounded by
wingwomen. Their duties are to repel all men so that they can have their girls’
night out. A good wingman would distract the wingwomen so that the buddy can
talk to the hot chick. This occasionally means that you have to engage in
conversations about The English Patient or buy them drinks or, even
worse, flirt with the fat, ugly, and hairy gal, aka man-hater. Women may not
know this, but there is a designated wingman in a group, just as there is a
designated driver and designated hitter.
Sometime, men respect each other
by their wingman ability.
“Hey, I noticed that you were talking
with some heinous chick last night,” Bob might say. There’s a hint of
snickering.
“Yup. I was wingmanning last night,”
Fred might say. Suddenly Fred becomes a hero.
“Wow, you are truly a friend. A man’s
man,” Bob would say in admiration, “Listen. You want to go to the bar
tonight? My treat.”
So I know the game. I am just not
good at it. First, I do not like that idea of not being the center of attention.
It is hard to be an engaging conversationalist, yet not engaging enough to draw
attention from your buddy. So I either shut up or do my whole stand-up routine.
In the former case, I make my buddy really uncomfortable because he now needs to
divert his attention towards keeping the manhater entertained. If it is the
latter, I overshadow my buddy. I have not figured out the middle ground. Second,
I have difficulty talking to plain or ugly women. They could be as funny as
Jerry Seinfeld. If they are ugly, I just don’t care to talk to them. The odds
of me sleeping with the pretty ones are about the same as with the ugly ones
(Yup, the forecasters predict that Hell won’t freeze over in the next five
days). But I just don’t enjoy myself when I talk to ugly gals. Now, I have a
friend who we call “Donger.” Donger can do polite banter with girls who can
lose beauty contests to Quasimodo. He’s a good wingman. Plus, he knows exactly
what drinks to get for women. Heck, he would even dance with the ugly ones so
that his friend could have quality one-on-one time with his lady. And if the
conversation stalls, he jumps in to bring it back to life and subtly retreats.
Me, I can’t do that. I’ve
tried. When I talk to the wingwoman, I think about many things. Why doesn’t
she clip her nose hairs? Hmm, she seems to have more chins than Chinatown. She
sure has hairy arms. Wow, her feet are big. For this reason, I have not flown
many missions. Some wingmen would go as far as to sleep with the ugly girl just
so that his favorite squirrel buddy can get his nut.
So, ladies, just in case you’re
going out on a girl’s night out, be sure to bring your hot friends as
wingwomen. Otherwise, my buddy doesn’t stand a chance with you.
