I know not everyone does one, and let's face it, most of you don't work in
offices anyway, but here is my advice on how to go about winning your office
Oscar pool this year. Or as I like to call it, seven habits of highly successful
people who manage to legitimately steal money and prizes from their friends.
1. Step away from The Thin Red Line
See, two years ago, I went to this Oscars party and we had to make our
picks, and I made my picks based on whom I thought deserved to win. I think I
picked The Thin Red Line to win every single award, even ones it wasn't
nominated for. This usually never works, but I ended up winning the pool because
everybody else was drunk and forgot to make picks. However, you folks probably
won't be so lucky. Ok, maybe that was a bad example, but if you really want to
win all the money on free parking or whatever it is you are playing for, don't
confuse your heartfelt picks with cold calculation of the odds. Getting back to
the alcohol though.
2. Intoxicate your opponents. Somehow.
Ostensibly I could be referring to the bewitching of your opponents using
aromatherapy, seduction or lapdancing. But off the record, let me say that while
CampusNut policy prevents me from officially endorsing such an action, if your
competition happens to be drunk while making their picks, this can also
dramatically increase your chances of winning (or scoring big depending on what
your aims are).
3. Follow the "buzz."
This year's big buzz surrounds Benicio del Toro for Best Supporting Actor, who
admitted that Excess Baggage stunk and Kate Hudson for Best Supporting
Actress, whose Mom is a famous actress. The buzz is never wrong, except when
people start adding extra z's to it as in buzzzzz, then it gets annoying because
it actually starts reminding me of a bee or a bad semi-pro soccer team nickname.
4. The Passenger 57 Rule: Always Bet on Black
Out of the movies with multiple nominations, pick one and stick with it
throughout your picks. Most years, one movie runs away with the awards like American
Booty (okay, Beauty) did last year. For example this year, Crouching
Tiger and Gladiator are up for the most awards. If you have a strong
feeling about one of these movies in one or two categories, it makes sense to
have them run the table in all of their categories. Academy members tend to
reward their favorites, even in the smaller categories, because the font size
used is too small for them to read easily. Seriously, I read that online. By the
way, this rule title is a bastardized paraphrasing of Wesley Snipes famous line.
5. Cool movies that didn't make a lot of money will win the writing awards.
So this is the spot where you can take a flier on that neat indie flick you
saw which really struck your fancy but didn't catch on in a big way. Movies with
good stories generally get good reviews from critics but don't always catch on
with John and Jane Q Public. These are the "other" movies that get
nominated for screenplay awards. So this year I think that means that Traffic
and Almost Famous should win. But hey I could be wrong,
since I'm still on hunger strike from last year because Being John Malkovich didn't
win.
6. The "In Bed" method.
When you just can't decide, especially in a category like Best Animated
Short, I recommend playing the popular parlor game of adding "in bed"
to the end of each nominated film. Pick the funniest sounding one. This may
result in winners like Sound and Fury. in bed, You Can Count On Me.
in bed (my personal credo), and the crowd-pleasing favorite, Rejected. in
bed. After the award is announced, discuss the modern relevance of the term
"parlor game."
7. Finally, one sure-fire way to win is to cheat off of me:
Here's whom I think will win in some of the bigger categories:
Best Picture: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Best Director: Steven Soderbergh, Traffic
Best Actor: Tom Hanks, Cast Away
Best Actress: Julia Roberts, Erin Brockovich
Best Supporting Actor: Benicio del Toro, Traffic
Best Supporting Actress: Kate Hudson, Almost Famous
Best Cinematography: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Best Adapted Screenplay: Traffic
Best Original Screenplay: Almost Famous
Best Foreign Film: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Good luck!
