Little kids want to grow up to be
firefighters, actors, vets, baseball player, etc… I wanted to be a mogul
skier. As soon as I could stand on my own, I was on a pair of skis being held
and led down slopes with my dad. We would take family skiing trips every winter.
My brother would go off on his own or with friends while my parents would teach
me "proper skiing techniques."
"No! Not straight down the
mountain, make nice BIG 'S's in the snow!"
"Only use the poles when you
turn."
"Tips up when you get off the
lift"
After lessons with my parents and
their friends, and after endless hours of practice, skiing became second nature
to me. The thrill of speeding down the trails kept me wanting more.
By the time I was in third grade, I
fell in love with moguls. Even before I had even entered a black diamond, or
"most difficult" trail, moguls amazed me. I always wondered how
exactly they get the bumps all lined up perfectly, and how they stayed in an
ideal mound shape. I made up new hypothesis every time I could see a mogul run
from the chairlift (that's a lot of hypotheses). Maybe there are people that go
around all night making piles by hand… Maybe they find perfectly shaped
mountains to make the perfectly shaped moguls… Maybe there was a pipe under
each mound that continuously generated more snow to compensate for the snow
displaced by the brave who dared to tackle the moguls…
During my first attempts at mogul
skiing, I was cautious not to fall, but nevertheless wiped out numerous times. I
would stop at each bump and stand and contemplate the least painful way of
making my way to the next bump. The challenge made it more exciting and
motivated me to keep trying.
Professional mogul skiers astonished
me. How do they keep their upper bodies so still while their lower bodies are
bouncing around? I would try my hardest to do the same, and it would always
cause me to just fall on my face. I went as far as to jump in front of a mirror
and make my upper body remain still. This would also cause me to fall on my face
many times.
As it says in the Bhagavad Gita,
"Kamany evadhikaras te ma phalesu kadacana ma karma-phala-hetur bhur ma te
sango astu akarmani," or, "You should never be motivated by the
results an action, nor should there be any attachment in not doing your
activities." Although I am not Hindu, I try to follow this advice.
Ultimately, I gave up jumping in front of mirrors (well, to practice mogul
skiing anyways), and never became a professional mogul skier, but I still have
many memories of experiences I had and lessons I learned in the process.
USED FOR MIT, Columbia, and Lehigh
COMMENTARY
This essay flows well but may be too casually written in the eyes of the
admissions officers. Through her curiosity of moguls, she demonstrates her
inquisitive nature. The strength is her ability to reveal various different
aspects of her personality. However, there are a few flaws. First, the essay
lacks a concrete structure; it seems like a train of thoughts and memories
rather than proving a point. If the essay took less of a conversational tone, it
would have been more appropriate. Additionally, her interest in being a mogul
skier doesn't seem genuine, especially in her last paragraph. This may have been
the writer's intent. Finally, her choice to quote a religious text seems odd,
especially since she provides the original text and then follows up with a
translation. If she wanted to demonstrate her ability to translate Hindu text,
this isn't the appropriate time to show this. If she doesn't know how to
translate, it is just bizarre. But her quote doesn't capture the essence of the
thesis. This essay could have been stronger if she chose to focus on her mogul
learning process rather than give a panoramic view. - Gil
This essay is a bit confusing - knowing the original question might help me. It
seems to be very casual and informal, which may not be the best route to take
with college application essays, unless the school is known for being partial to
quirky and/or informal ones (and most schools aren't - the essays have to be
outstanding in its uniqueness). There are quite a bit of grammatical errors that
could have easily been fixed with the help of a teacher or friend, but all in
all, the essay reveals a bit about the applicant's personality, which is a
definite plus. On the other hand, the quote from the Bhagavad Gita is a bit
random - the actual text of it is unnecessary and out-of-place when the
translation was all that was needed. And instead of telling the audience that
the author tries to apply this to life, it should have been shown - telling
seems to be an easy way out. Perhaps it would have been better to place the last
paragraph as more of an intro. - Jeyun
