If you want to go to a place where people speak a different language and you get to learn about foreign cultures, you have few choices. You can go to Miami where Spanish is the first language spoken or go to Chinatown in any big city. Actually, a city is not a city unless it has a Chinatown. However, if you want to visit foreign lands and come back to the United States on the same day, there really is only one choice: Montreal.
Montreal is located in Quebec, the French speaking province of Canada, the largest of US colonies. For those who happen to live in New York or New England, Montreal represents the perfect day trip or an overnight stay as it is about six hours from New York City and five hours from Boston. And because the Canadians are using inferior currency and have a general envy of Americans, the border patrol eagerly admits people into their country. In fact, you just need a driver’s license and an honest smile. I have visited Montreal about seven times and never had to step out of the car. I guess I could have smuggled dead bodies or narcotics, but I did not want to create an international incident.
When you get to Montreal, you notice a few things. First, everyone is beautiful. For some reason, you and your companions are the ugliest looking people there but that’s okay because you will colonize and enslave these people eventually. Also, you read signs that are written in French. In fact, everything is French. Oh, they speak English as well but they want to give you the whole tourist experience. But that’s not why Montreal is so special. Montreal offers five things that are worth explaining. First, their currency is cheaper. Most good meals and drinks are cheaper than in the US so you can order a Supersized meal at McDonald’s for the same meal unsupersized in the US. Second, the drinking age and gambling age is 18 or 19. Heck, it might be even lower. There are plenty of bars and a beautiful casino to provide you with sin. Third, the city is abundant with tradition and history. After all, it is one of the oldest cities in North America. Fourth, the city is beautiful as it sits along the St. Lawrence River.
So when you arrive during the day, you can get wasted on Labatt and Molson beer as you are playing blackjack on a casino that is a few feet from the most beautiful river. All the while, you hear French. You can almost believe that you are James Bond betting thousands of dollars in Monaco. Except that you won’t be surrounded by beautiful people.
Now if you are good with math, you will note that I only listed four good points when I promised five. There is an aspect of the trip that no one ever talks about. If you go to Montreal for the first time, you will inevitably go to a strip club. The main street, Ste. Catherine Avenue, is all strip clubs. You will become quite familiar with the French phrases to “Cage Dancing,” “Nude 24 Hour Hours,” and “Exotic Dancers.” There are enough strip clubs to appeal to guys and gals. Now, I am not condoning attending strip clubs, but I am sure that these hot girls and guys are trying to earn an honest buck so that they can complete their college education at McGill University. Who am I to deny them their college education?
When you drive back, be sure to stop by the duty-free shop at the border. You will find cheap liquor, Cuban cigars and fine Swiss chocolate at Hershey’s prices. And when you go back to the States, be sure to talk about the four good points why your friends should visit Montreal. And when you return to Montreal as the tour guide, make sure they pay for your lapdances as you give them point five.
