Recently, I told my loyal fans how to break up with a girl. Now I will tell
you how to break up a couple. Let's say that you have your eye on a certain
Monica, Rita, or any of the girls from Mambo Number 5. However, she won't do the
horizontal mambo with you because she is taken. Yup, she is dating some loser
when she should be dating you. What is your recourse? You can either a) go after
someone else, or b) break them up. Option A is safer and more gentlemanly, but
Option B is more fun. When you are faced with this dilemma, ask yourself, "WWASD?
What would Alan Smithee Do?" Okay, now that we have decided to break up the
happy couple, here is a surefire trick to make her think that knight is wearing
a rusty armor.
Step One: Highlight Joe Schmoe's shortcomings.
Perhaps her lover isn't making good dough, doesn't have a college degree,
goes to factory outlets, or works for a dot-com. It doesn't really matter. The
key is to plant the seed in her mind that her man is not perfect. Here are some
phrases that you may freely use:
"I admire Joe's ability to not worry about peer pressure. I wouldn't be
able to wear that outfit, but more power to him."
"Your boyfriend must be a financial genius because I wouldn't be able to
make ends meet on his salary."
"Well, people think that Joe's not that smart. But that doesn't matter
because he seems so sweet to you, right?"
The key is to provide a subtle insult that does two things. First, it
highlights the shortcomings of the loser. Second, it draws attention to the fact
that you are what he is not.
Step Two: Operation Tokyo Rose
You want to become a "friend" to Joe Schmoe for the sole purpose of
being an insider. Didn't you watch Mission: Impossible? The Jon Voight
character sabotaged the mission because he was a trusted insider with access to
classified information. You want to prevent Joe from making progress with his
gal. You may want to say that she wouldn't appreciate flowers on her birthday
because she would be embarrassed. Or how you heard that she hates any form of
public display of affection, or touching for that matter. Or how she just
absolutely hates receiving oral sex. It doesn't really matter. Just pick one.
Your main mission is to cut his relational brake cables so that his relationship
will inevitably crash.
Step Three: Have Her Imagine You as Her Boyfriend
Now that Joe won't touch her in public or please her in bed, she is feeling
unloved. During this time of crisis, you need to be there for her. Be everything
that Joe is not (thanks to you). Listen to her. Tell her how she deserves to be
adored and spoiled by Joe. Use this line: "I can't believe that he takes
you for granted. You are such a special person. If I were him, I would be
thankful for each precious moment that I would spend with you." As you say
something like this, look into her eyes and smile. You are now enabling her to
visualize what a sensitive guy you are. She may even visualize going out with
you. Be Mr. Sensitive. Yeah, you don't really care what she says and just want
to hook up with her, but she doesn't need to know that. Listen to her troubles
about her boyfriend and be everything that Joe is not.
Step Four: Win Over Her Friends
Now that you want to land your girl, you need to win over her friends.
Because she tells her friends everything. Yes, everything. Her friends are her
closest advisors. Now, if you have her advisors in your back pocket, your job is
so much easier. Plus, if you fail to score with your chick, you have the inside
track on her friends.
I have done this and it works every time. "Christine seemed really down
last night. I guess her boyfriend is just taking her for granted. I wish there
was something that we [point to her friends and you] could do to make her feel
better. Do you think it would be a good idea if I sent her flowers to cheer her
up?" That way, the flowers don't seem so forward, as her friends okayed it.
Her friends think that you are sweet and much better boyfriend material. See,
it's so simple.
Step Five: Go For the Kill
Now that you've done the first four steps, the rest is quite simple. You need
to tell her that she deserves someone better. Better yet, memorize the paragraph
below:
Christine, I used to lie in bed worrying about how you were having such
difficulties with Joe. The thought of you being so unhappy and so unappreciated
used to make me so sad. In the brief time I've come to know you, I've realized
that you deserve someone who will put you on a pedestal and believe that you are
the greatest thing to happen to his life. I guess, [pause for dramatic effect]
I've been wondering what it would be like if you and I were a couple. I know
you're on a break with Joe [so they didn't officially break up yet], but I was
hoping that you might want to give us a chance. I have these feelings for you,
and the thought of you being with someone who doesn't love and worship you is
simply too hard to bear.
In all likelihood, this will get you to your original mission: to get her to
dump her loser boyfriend for you. Now, let's say that your relationship doesn't
work out, and she is such a whiny bi-atch. You could always read my article on
The Art of the Break-Up.
